Too Many Days

It has been more days than I want to count, or to admit that I even started counting days.  It’s over, and in some crazy way I feel relieved.  The emotional roller coaster has stopped.  You can’t toy with my emotions and then make everything all better with a letter, a call, a text or an email.  That part of our dysfunction is done and I’m happy.  I still miss you though.  You “got” me – you understood.  There was no judgment, and you appreciated my wicked sense of humor.  We clicked…but then I have to ask myself…did we really?  Was it all part of the deception?  A YEAR!!!!

I have realized A LOT during this however many days it’s been since I sent you the email telling you goodbye.  Like how you lied to me the whole time.  You were dating others even from the beginning.  Or how you have been dating Prudence longer than September.  Or how you took her to meet your family for Thanksgiving, and although you bitched about having to play “step-daddy” to her child – you’re doing it.  You’re still with her and still leading your double life. I’ve realized that I was a total fool for buying into your pretend world and allowing you to make me part of it, and I feel stupid for doing so.  I should have known better.  I let you in and you broke me.

You don’t control me anymore and my every action doesn’t involve being prefaced with “how’s this going to affect JerkFace”.  I’m free of that at least, but still bound by heartstrings that truly loved you for the person that you used to be.  The one who made me laugh or who finished my sentences for me.  That guy who swept me off of my feet…and that guy who lied to me for almost a year.

 

Time Keeps Moving

I would prefer that it was 9 hours 6 minutes since I last heard from you, but that’s not the case.  Nine days and 6 hours have passed since I last heard from you and got the last communication from you apologizing for hurting me and your regret for causing me pain.  I want to reach out to you so badly, but doing so will only be a sign of weakness and the vicious circle of me being the one to fix things will begin all over again. Second verse…same as the first.

I feel broken.  A part of me feels like it is missing – like a thief in the night I was broken and torn apart and am left here exposed.  I feel vulnerable but am trying to keep a brave face and pretend that none of this is really bothering me.  It is.  Inside I am like a choppy ocean.  My emotions are all over the place, but I keep holding onto the idea that this is the best thing for me.  I need to be important to me and not be so concerned about always holding you up and making things better when you are in crisis.  I need to be #1 in your life and not your “boring girlfriend” who you are