Too Many Days

It has been more days than I want to count, or to admit that I even started counting days.  It’s over, and in some crazy way I feel relieved.  The emotional roller coaster has stopped.  You can’t toy with my emotions and then make everything all better with a letter, a call, a text or an email.  That part of our dysfunction is done and I’m happy.  I still miss you though.  You “got” me – you understood.  There was no judgment, and you appreciated my wicked sense of humor.  We clicked…but then I have to ask myself…did we really?  Was it all part of the deception?  A YEAR!!!!

I have realized A LOT during this however many days it’s been since I sent you the email telling you goodbye.  Like how you lied to me the whole time.  You were dating others even from the beginning.  Or how you have been dating Prudence longer than September.  Or how you took her to meet your family for Thanksgiving, and although you bitched about having to play “step-daddy” to her child – you’re doing it.  You’re still with her and still leading your double life. I’ve realized that I was a total fool for buying into your pretend world and allowing you to make me part of it, and I feel stupid for doing so.  I should have known better.  I let you in and you broke me.

You don’t control me anymore and my every action doesn’t involve being prefaced with “how’s this going to affect JerkFace”.  I’m free of that at least, but still bound by heartstrings that truly loved you for the person that you used to be.  The one who made me laugh or who finished my sentences for me.  That guy who swept me off of my feet…and that guy who lied to me for almost a year.